Friday, November 11, 2005

Dogs for Hire

Years ago, my husband and I joked that we needed to find R & W, our Italian Greyhounds, some occupation that would work off their energy and bring in some extra dough for us. I envisioned R pulling a mail wagon for the postman. W would've been good at running harnessed on a treadmill, recharging fuel cells.

But that was then, and this is now. And now it's no joke. Those dogs owe me big time for what it will cost to refloor the family room. After four years of the occasional "accident" (yeah, sure, W), the carpet is just beyond hope, despite my best attempts to clean up after them with enzymatic deodorizer. The carpet PAD has got to be a rancid, foetid (must be spelled that way to convey the proper degree of horror) mess, that I luckily cannot see. And what of the flooring surface underneath the pad? For all I know, a heretofore unidentified race of fungus is growing there, not unlike the strange sea creatures that thrive in untold depths of oxygen- and sunlight-free water. And when they are uncovered by the men in hazmat suits who will surely have to be called in to re-do our floor, the millions of spores will in unison utter tiny screams of pain at having been exposed to fresh air and daylight. The men will cover their ears and drop to their knees, Capt. Kirk style. It will be hell, and I hope not to be anywhere near to hear it. Or smell it.

Wait, where was I? Oh yes. The cost of new flooring versus my ass-face hounds. R's resume includes such gems as "friendly" and "can destroy stuffed things pretty well." W is kind of spastic, so I thought "enthusiastic" would be a good descriptor on his vita. His skillset includes "three-legged running" (that damn kneecap) and "cleaning up the backyard with mouth." I don't think they'd be insulted to work for minimum wage, and for sure they'd fill your diversity quota. Any takers? Anyone? Hmmm?

5 comments:

Lynsloo said...

God Bless You, ML. I don't know how you keep up with half of what you do!

Mary Louisa said...

Linds, R is certified in Waking People Before Sunrise (WPBS), if you need a back-up alarm. And he's so cute!

Lynsloo said...

Not a chance in hell, but thanks anyhow :)

Stephanie said...

ML - how do you do it? How do you deal with 2 dogs & 2 kids under the age of 3 (right? N is 2-ish?)? Don't worry too much about your floor, although your description made me giggle. My parents had a geriatric dog who was a pisser & surprisingly the floor underneath was okay. And the carpeting was circa 1970's rust colored shag. So it was lacking the qualities of today's technology when it comes to carpeting.

Mary Louisa said...

Stephanie, I am not lying when I tell you that our family room carpet is..."circa 1970's rust colored shag." Does this mean the floor will be okay? Maybe there was a pre-historic mojo on that kind of carpet?